JANUARY 8 Dear Sir,
体育投注平台Your check has been cut and is ready to be mailed to you. The person who will mail it to you is currently being mailed to us. We will keep a close eye on our mail, and as soon as it arrives, with him in it, we will transfer the check to him to mail to you immediately.
FEBRUARY 15 Dear Sir,
Thank you for your inquiry. Your check is still here, ready to go, but the person who was mailed to us so that he could mail it to you took longer than expected to be mailed. When he finally did arrive, with the rest of our mail, he was mistaken for junk mail and ended up in the recycled mail. We have put in a special request, and another person who will promptly mail your check to you is being mailed to us, via overnight mail.
MARCH 11 Dear Sir,
The person who was being mailed to us by overnight mail so that he could mail your check to you was mailed from someplace north of the Arctic Circle (we are told), where night lasts a long time, which naturally affects the mail. We are closely tracking this overnight mailing and expect it to arrive at our offices with our other mail as soon as night up there is over—no later than mid-April, we believe. Please be assured that your check is sitting right here on our desk, still crisp and fresh and beautiful, all set to be mailed.
MARCH 23 Dear Sir,
Just to reassure you that your check really does exist, we are looking at it right now: it is eight inches long by three and a half inches high, printed on that handsome mini-herringbone-patterned background that the best checks are printed on, and it says “Pay to the order of,” followed by your clearly typed and correctly spelled name. So there can be no mistake about the exact person for whom the check is intended—you. Your address also appears on the check, which will come in handy when the check is mailed.
MARCH 24 Dear Sir,
体育投注平台Apologies for contacting you again so soon after our previous communication about your check, but we admired it again this morning, here on our desk, and somehow, in our absence, the sum seems to have been changed to a larger number than it was yesterday! It really is a substantial check. You must be very eager to have such a check mailed to you, and, indeed, in all likelihood, it probably will be mailed before long.
APRIL 12 Dear Sir,
The mail containing the person whose job it was to mail your check to you arrived, and he has mailed you your check. Unfortunately, our mail service uses a mail drop in which there are two regular-mail slots for outgoing mail, the first marked “EARTH MAIL” and the second marked “OTHER.” Assuming that the “EARTH MAIL” slot had something to do with Earth Day, and thinking that was not appropriate, he dropped your check into the slot marked “OTHER.” A reasonable mistake—but, regrettably, the “OTHER” slot is for mail addressed to places other than Earth. This may cause a further mail delay, for which we apologize.
NOVEMBER 18 Dear Sir,
体育投注平台We met a fellow in the past two-three weeks who said that he ran into your check at the famous “Star Wars” bar sometime last summer, although he forgets the exact date. We just thought you would like to know.
DECEMBER 1 Dear Sir,
Yes, we suppose we could put a “stop” on your check and issue (but not mail) a check to replace the check that we weren’t mailing previously—but, really, why bother?
DECEMBER 8 Dear Sir,
Against our better judgment, we have voided your original check and issued a replacement. Oh, what a gorgeous thing this spanking-new check is! At the moment, it is sitting, pert and pretty, on our desk, waiting to be mailed.
FEBRUARY 9 Dear Sir,
We were getting way too attached to each other, your check and us, and so we made the painful decision to end the relationship. The check has just been mailed via Ever Go ground service, and we are monitoring its progress. Already, it has travelled half the distance to you, and we are informed that very soon it will cover half the remaining distance, and then, quickly, half the remaining distance after that, etc. So be on the lookout!
FEBRUARY 11 Dear Sir,
体育投注平台The driver of the Ever Go truck informs us that he is one-thirty-second of an inch from your address and expects to be one-sixty-fourth of an inch from it shortly. He will make the delivery sometime between eight o’clock Eastern Standard Time this morning (Tuesday, 2/11) and infinity. We appreciate your patience. ♦